Living with Dying - More than words…

Living with Dying - More than words…

“I’m so sorry. I don’t know what to say”.

Pure perfection in nine words.

Let’s face it… when someone is going through a difficult time, whether it’s any type of loss or traumatic event, our human instincts kick in. We rush to comfort, to fix, often to minimise, and to do what we can to help. So what do we do when in that moment, there is absolutely nothing that will make things feel better for the other person?

Pain is uncomfortable, both to experience and to witness. And in that lies the problem - it’s our own discomfort and pain that we are trying to avoid. If we can do something to make someone feel better, we will of course feel better about ourselves. And as humans we have for so long been trained to use our brains and come up with some words that will explain everything and make things ok, and fix everything, because then we can just get on with the rest of our lives. I can tell you from experience that in these cases, there are plenty that don’t work (“he was very young”, “at least you didn’t have kids”, “sure you are young, you’ll find someone again” being 3 of my least favourites!) - but there are few that do. Trite words for the sake of words are exhausting - those in the eye of the storm of their grief become the comforters, the easers of the discomfort of others - as if they didn’t have enough on their plate in that moment.

What really worked were those who were happy to sit with me in my pain - in silence, with a hug or a hand squeeze, to let the tears fall when they needed to, to laugh, or just to sit still. Things don’t always need to be fixed - sometimes they just need to be. In those nine words was everything that someone needed to say, and everything I wanted to hear - the acknowledgement that no words made anything better, and that was ok, because in that moment, I didn’t want to/couldn’t possibly feel better. And those nine words didn’t ask anything of me - I didn’t have to comfort, or answer questions, or even respond. There was someone who was willing to be comfortable with being uncomfortable with me - a gift of pure empathy from one person to another.

So, when you find yourself with someone at a difficult time, choose your words carefully. And most importantly get comfortable with being uncomfortable, in sitting with them in their pain. The ability to do that is more than words. And sometimes words are just not needed.

But if you are stuck, at least now you have nine.